Remembering the past year, i cannot recall the turning points anymore,
I cannot remember the wrongs, the triumphs, the falls, the sorrow, the redemptions, the pain.
Each day, i live as a lifeless being, stepping on the ground with total deceit.
I am lying to myself,
I am a pathetic excuse for what you'd call a life.

Taking a transended view, i see the issue.
it is not that i am living,
but i am being lived.

i have no control over what i wish to do
those around me, as my pilot crew.
when i need help, i turn to who?

i have but no one, but only a few,
who have stood by me, i know who
and one of them stands out, like the morning dew.

but as everyone forgets the morning dew,
i remain, oblivious to you.

i know you love me,
i know you exist,
i know you are by by me
i know you saved the crisis

but yet,
i feel,
i have lost your touch,
your oh so wonderful delirious tug.

But, looking back at that all that i have done,
i now see, it is nothing but dust.

Amid the ash, that clouds the sky,
i can see you, but you seem so high.

i reach for you, but my pilot crew speaks
"stay on the ground,on own your feet"
don't look up,
they cry, in obvious deceit.


i feel so much like Midas, who longs for human touch,
all i ask for, is your holy crux.

the same one that found me, in the winter of 06'
i have lost it, three years ahead,
i have found beauty, in destruction instead.

I know much, but i do not feel,
I have lost, the ability to heal
the magical wonders that you reveal,
I see everything, but i cannot see you.

as the days of autumn approaches mid,
far sight,i speak, "the winter, that follows it."

this time i ask, for a blessed autumn
and in return, i will find, the same winter

of which you have induced.

in my mind and in my soul.

it is by faith that i carry on,
it is the pursuit of you that i keep moving on
it is the sight of you, that keeps me up
it is the scent of you, that brings me around
it is the fabric of you, that clothes me
it is the mercy of you, that holds me
it is the power of you, that heals me
it is the glory of you, that survives me.

i am you, i am your being,
you are me, you are in me.

i long for your return into my life,
i seek your touch as my divine guide.

as i look to the sky,
i see the eagle,
in full flight,
but with a serpent under its fly.

i see the empowerment of the eagle,
over the snake,
and i all i need now,
is to see thy face.

In Jesus's name i pray.

(amen)

i'm up at 4.43 am. Staring at where i have started before.

Reflection has brought my life back on track. It seems that most things pass pretty easily and that works count for nothing, unless they have an impact.

I really miss the holidays, nothing just the June one, but the Post O level holidays as well. The carefree lifestyle was much more desirable, and the jobs that came with it is so much easier than A levels.

But at this point of time, after a long conversation with Dorra, Iwanna touch on a few issues.

Firstly, the idea of denial.

Denial is a very tough aspect of the Human Condition to put a finger on. It can be seen as an escape route, or an enclosure. Both of these definitions are similar. They provide an alternative to reality. Many a times, almost everyone, including myself, employs some form of denial. Some call it "the silver lining" or "the optimisitic view". I believe that the best form of interpretation of denial is the type employed by lovers; the idea that things are never what they seem to be.

Of course, in many instances, things are never what they seem to be. Which then raises a problem. WHY ARE THINGS EVER WHAT THEY SEEM TO BE? This probably can be attributed to the ego of each person, that causes the true feelings of each individual not to be expressed fully. This in turn, causes the perception of the situation to be either blurred or full of holes. This flawed perception is then taken as the platform by lovers to work with, resulting in flawed results. HOWEVER, after the initial stage of flawed results, the true feelings of each individual then surfaces and things become better, at the very essential core.

Therefore, it is important be be clear about assumptions and arguments from the start. So that each perception can be as clear as it can be.

Back to denial, denial is employed by a whole range of people, everyone employs denial once in a while. However, upon close reflection, denial disintegrates, and the core essence of each person is revealed, where every thing is simple and satisfiable. Questions like, ":why am i doing this?","what will i get out of it?","is the result what i want?" helps to reveal the core essence of each person.




My own life experience has allowed me to see that actually, i have been living in Denial, i fully know what i am doing is not what i want, and the results obviously flawed. Yet, i indulge in everything of that sort.


I'm tired. Continue next time.

ah, it seems that i have taken too long a break from the cyber world, living away from the computer, hanging on to my life.

in a group, inevitably, there are those who continually do the exact opposite, or try to advise those they think are wrong, not knowing that they themselves are flawed.

oh, forgive and forget


anyways, there are other stuffs that bug me, for example, a little snug bee that won't leave me, buzzing and whizzing all over the place, making sure i don't do what's out of place.

a clear liquid, its a see-through. Fire-water that's what its called.
as much as i detest fire, but i can't seem to hate the water.
the feeling that i get when i take it, akin to seeing a whirlwind, straight lines, seem out of place, the out of this world, is the norm. the norm has long been forgotten.



ahh, what state have i fallen into, perhaps society has had too much of an influence over me.

a hermit, thats what i think i should be.

hello PEOPLE! I'm officially a Catholic Junior College student! HAHA

CJC is pretty fun and cool, considering that the orientation was pretty massive and extremely well planned.

what more can i say?


a scene that i never expected,
right now i seem so deluded,
give me a chance to follow you
and you'll see why i need to.



if only i could reveal what my heart locks down,
my mind rages war with my soul,
i cannot determine what i want,
only to seek and find what i think is right.

the piano organ rings, only two things
a black box in the hall or a white dress calls.

think about it, what would it seem?
a paulbearer or a wedding seen?

sigh, but today you wear both, and i hold thy hand
a chill heads down my spine as i see you smiling in that can..




if only everything was simple, without complications.
ah, i wouldn't think so much if it wasn't for words.
little collections of alphabets that mean so much.
please use them wisely.

Its been two weeks since i Left Singapore for china. During the two weeks, i've gotta say there's no place like home. So, tonight, i will board a plane home bound, to pick up where i've left off.

Beijing, a city of grand proportions.
Tianjin, where i visited an authentic Chinese Christian church.
Chengde, where the blistering cold coupled with the imperial housing complex showed me perfect symmetry
Xiamen, a place closer to home.

Indeed, as it has been said, China has changed alot; gone are the days of utopian ideals of communist equality, with the changes brought forth by Deng XiaoPing, China has become a fortress in the capitalist world. In another 2 decades or so, China will spearhead capitalism into the next stage, along with its population, the Chinese will march as one; Strong, united, determined and seemingly unstoppable. A power that even the mighty US will not be able to easily ignore.

In China, its most valuable asset is not its land, not its industry, not its technology, not its Soviet Derived military prowress, but its foundation and its people.

a foundation of 5000 years, and a population of mass proportions.

what will happen?

we're witnessing possibly the most exciting story history has to offer.

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out of all that, i've lost one thing dear to me, the

United World College Scholarship Application.

A journey that started in March,
pass the workshop that saw womens rights clinch top spot,
join the Women Rights group that has gone thus far,
enter the speech contest that gave me top 6,
left the group, that turned to politics and jealousy
opened my mind to the world of ideals
the nights that last so long.
a call on a night that has long passed.
an email that showed me what joy
a hour early, a blue suit, the interview that showed me what's good.
and now i sit, in this room, looking at that email, that presented no good.

it is with a heavy heart, that i write this down, that i have been turned down. for i am not worthy of the idealistic world of the UWC, i can only stand, alone staring at my feet.

what a journey, so long and time.

started in march and ending in time, during the final days of november, in the bistering cold, through the roller coaster, that is my O's

i keep my promise, the only one i have, to hold my head high, staring at the sky.

good bye.

Everything - Micheal Buble

Celebration - Kool and the Gang

Fall For You - Second Hand Serenade

Wonderwall - Oasis

The Remedy(I Won't Worry) - Jason Mraz

Can't take my eyes off of you. - Frankie Valli

a bunch of cool songs... hee hee