hello everyone, this post is about my friend stephanie

she is a nice person, and cares for me alot, helping me through difficult times.

haha! ask me more about her!



sorry! but i cant post too much about her.

well, today was really an awesome day!

i woke up at 11? and i realised i was running late for church service, and it seems that there is no reason for me to panic whenever i think i am late! Because somehow i wont be TOO late, or i'll be on time, praise God!

i reached church by the end of the first song, so i wasnt really late. haha!

anyways, after service, i tasted something i never tasted before........ POP TARTS!

i remember a friend bought it once, but i didnt try it. WHAT A MISTAKE THAT WAS! Pop tarts are awesome, little biscuits with sweet cherry goodness in every bite. but i think the ones i ate today are a little soggy, as in, the biscuit, or are they suppoused to be like that?

the delicious treats, are courtesy of Abigail, who had just returned from New York, and thats not a good thing! Its not really good for someone to tell you how amazing a beautiful city like New York is, but not able to experience it yourself! she keeps telling us how amazing New York is, and its making me real jealous, so much so that i wanna go to!

They have BIG-ASS pizza slices and FLOATING CLOCKS!!!!

After the amazing Pop-Tart Tasting Session, we headed to Bishan, where on the way, Abigail told me alot more about New York, and making me kinda, YEARN to go to New York for the same experience, except for the part where the Girls there are SUPER TALL, being a short Asian person doesnt help.

So we Finally Arrived at Bishan after a wonderful conversation about New York, we had..... PASTAMANIA, which is quite an alright place to eat if you have a considerable amount of money to spend. A Sustainable meal would cost like then $10. A Good meal, Coupled with Drinks and Garlic bread, would cost a little more than $15.

HOWEVER, for a good experience, just bring down $25. thats good enough.

the Cute thing about the place is.... its POCKET MENUS!

haha!

anyways i left at 2.30 to head down to tuition, and i arrived 5mins late, which proves my theory about late-ness earlier on.

I'm Quite Okay with Maths now, and a B is definitely within range, for now.

anything more than a B is a bonus given to me by God.

reached home, and prepared for SOCCER!

we had a good session today. i scored one, and made good passes, good tackles, and good runs. it was nice.

after the game, reached home, and now i'm writing my blog, haha!

gonna go to the pool place to check whether my phone has been recovered, the man said i'll get it back by this weekend.

I'm EXTREMELY sorry if i havent replied to any of your messages, i lost my phone!

SORRY GUYS!

this morning.......... DAMN RETARDED.

okay, you see, i wanted to pick up abigail from the airport. As her flight from Frankfurt would arrive at 6.35, i decided that i would wake up at 5 o'clock and by the time i prepared and took the bus or mrt down to Changi, i would be on time.

Because i knew i always had trouble waking up, i decided to sleep early, at 9.

good idea? it is!

however, i had trouble waking up at the correct time!!!!

i woke up at, 11pm, at 2am, at 3am, at 4am, and at 6!

i totally missed the 5am mark! how?

well my deduction is that, as i stared at the clock each time i woke up, i must have pressed the bell, causing it to not ring at its designated time, which was 5am.

and in the end, i woke up at 6, at that time, although i was shocked, i wasnt as jumpy as i thought i would be, because given normal circumstances, i would be panicking to be so late!

however, i managed to reach Changi on time, at 6.35am.

miracle? not quite.

just ask the efficiency of the Singapore transport system. HEH!

anyways, i reached terminal 3 on time, and trust me, terminal 3 is beautiful, though its architectural design goes no where as grand as terminal 2. terminal 2's arched roof design lets it use less pillars, meaning more room space not only for commuters, but also for shops and admin stations.

BACK TO TERMINAL 3

so i waited outside the gate where Abby would arrive.

As a bunch of green tee-ed PL choir girls squirmed through the gate and flooded the lobby, i just couldnt recognise any one of them.

so i waited like a BA-GOON, standing there, with a little flower in hand.

late on, their president, called for all of them to assemble together and take a picture.

however they did not, and guess what i heard.

"where's abigail??"

HAHAH!!!!!!

BLUR SOTONG!!! and i thought i missed her, turns out she was still at the belt!

so, she finally arrived and i talked to her la, then i headed to school, late.

ahh.. fast forward to tonight!

on a short note, i scored 8 goals in soccer today!

i started on my essay, and ended giving it up, i just cannot seem to right, cos everything that i think of kinda reminds me of what had happened these two months.

so i gave up, and i talked to God about these things, and he took all my troubles away, and gave a an answer, of course not everyone will get to know what went on between me and God, but alot of things were answered.

Religion plays a big part of my life because i am very dependent on stuff.

independency for me, comes at a time where it really calls for it, like when i lead groups. of course, not all of these groups turn out right, or work out right. but i am glad to have been able to use my god-given leadership capabilities.

thinking about my women's rights it again is like, ripping open a healing wound, where i realised that the wound never really healed, but it was just masked over, as in the stuff that caused the pain is still there, but my wound just healed, with the stuff that caused the pain still inside, cos i never really got it all out. i never really proved my true abilities, i just did what was convinent for me, including leave the group. that is not leader-like.

and i really want to explain to the person my rationale, but hopefully, the person wouldnt be angry anymore,

i just someday i can the the person how i really feel. and the person name doesnt start with Q or C.

how i really feel, as in, my side, my thinking and my viewpoint of the situation.

but of course, it will be difficult, and i still pray that one day i can do so.

please dont judge me based on what happened, because it is just a small part of me.

character is sometimes defined as the actions you pick up.

and of course, my actions are retarded, but i wouldnt say all are retarded, cos i believe that i dont screw everything up. i only screw SOME things up.

there are times where i can say i am proud of what i did, one especially, being able to talk things out and calm down a GANGSTER! it proves that words are actually more efficient than fists!

lets hope i dont lose what's left.

ah. enough of this

lets hope i can get NO.10!

im as sick as a dog, and i blame the DUST!!!

and i hope this year we can play princess mononoke again!


St Gabriel's Secondary Symphonic Band Concert 2008, 17th july!


tired!!

and im waking up early tmrw!~

<<<<<>>>>>>



hmm, let's start with sunday,

well, i woke up quite early this sunday, forgot why though. heh.

anyways, i followed my parents to the wet market for breakfast, after which, i went home myself, because service starts ar 11, i had to go home and bathe and prepare all.

so, i went for service, walked to the bus stop and that was where i saw the gammells.
i mean Gammells, this is because their whole family goes to church together, talked to Uncle Francis and Aunty Nancy for awhile, then i talked to Kristy, she's going through some bad patches now and like, i kinda know how she feels... i guess. anyways, we had a good chat, and we arrived at church together, Uncle Francis and Aunty Nancy took the back gate toward the dining area, so me and Kristy walked to the front gate all, yep. we parted your ways at the lift there. haha. My English is TERRIBLE.

anyways, i had to wait for Sarah, cos like, we were the only two from our group of friends, that attended service that morning, Dex And Ben had duties, so yeah.

anyways, i waited for sarah for quite long, cos she was watching some movie? cant remember what she said.

so service started, and i praised God like i awesome-ly?(Bad Phrasing, but you get it) haha.

yeah, it has been sometime since i have been regular for service.

after praise and worship, it was SERMON.

we had a BRILLIANT Speaker from Victory Family Center(or was it Church?) but either way it was VFC.

he spoke in a way that reflected many scenes of my life and it proved to be valuable.


God Does NOT Care Much About Ranking/Position, because when we all go to heaven, ranking and position does not matter, we leave our worldy credicials behind.

God only asks for you best in whatever you do, striving for excellence is good, but all he asks for is for you to do your best.The reason this impacts me alot because for me, there are times where i do my best to EXCEL, and nothing comes out, whereas sometimes, i just do normal stuff, i get to the TOP.

GOD Wants Excellence in Character.

so yeah, that service imapcted me ESP, the Excellence in character.

the reason being, if we had a scale, from 1-10, 1 being BAD Character,and 10 being excellence character, i'm afraid i rate very low in the standings, and by being low, i have fallen short of god's glory.

----------------------------------------

New, heh

anyways, after service, we went for lunch at the pool place at KOVAN, we had a few good rounds and we decided to leave.

and i left my phone at the paying counter! so i went up and like, asked around la, but in the end, i couldnt get it back, so no point being too upset about it, although i was, but it was wierd that in such a short time i could lose my phone, also it was turned off, which means someone handled it. but still no point getting too upset over it, i left the place to prepare for soccer.

SOCCER! The Beautiful game.... haha,

anyways, Uncle Francis and I talked awhile while waiting for a ride, talked about Catholics and Protestants, and i found out quite alot, too much to put it in here.

so we arrived at bishan, and game started i ran quite abit and had a few assists and scored one, which was quite okay for me. so i ended the game quite well.

went back and took dinner outside, BEEF STEW!!!!

then at around, 8-9+. i prayed to god and had some quite time, and he answered alot of my questions.

and then, i embarked on the journey to the Kovan pool place, where i talked to the manager about my phone, he said he would review the CCTV playback and tell me what went on in the afternoon, PRAISE GOD FOR THAT! he is really a nice person, and like, most businesses wouldnt even care, but this man cared, its so cool la!

so i returned on monday, at like 6pm, and waited till 9.30 pm. but i'm not complaining, cos like, in a good character, one must have patience, so i waited and did my maths TYS. !! hardworking??

i was so glad when he arrived, and he told me he had already done everything to get my phone back, and will be returned this weekend.

turns out, when i left my phone at the counter, another group of boys came around and took the phone, those boys were a regular bunch of boys and frequent the place. the manager called them up and told them about the missing phone, and if they do not return it, the proper authourities would be brought in, THANK GOD!! really, i think i'm really blessed by god to let this happen! WOOHOO!

alright reaching the end of the post, heh, gotta retake shuttle run, cos its not an A, its 10.7, far too slow, NEXT WEEK!

goodbye!















God Can Solve Everything, Prayer Does Wonders.

hello..

I think i'll be joining SWSYouth again soon. they're are having a concert, and i think i wanna help them!

haha!


no posts about today.









At this point of time, having not even reached the noon of your life, no one can grieve for you, only you can grieve for yourself...





you have to decide well on everyting man, you really have.. =)

hey guys, it was been one hell of a ride for me.

maybe i'm in depression mode or smoething.

haha.

anyways, convictions.

they are always there arent they?

somehow, convictions seem more painful than embarrassing at times.

but in any case, i guess my convictions haunt me alot.

maybe thats what they want.... hmm..

so anyways, last night was terrible.

i havent been eating well these weeks and i havent been passing motion well.

so yeah, eating disorder i guess.

whenever i start eating, i feel like puking, really, its damn gross. but i force myself to eat, otherwise later i faint all. cannot la... and like havent been gaining weight since last year.. and i need to get bigger, otherwise i'd get roughed up on the field!

the other thing is... i pass motion every 2-3 days, i know its damn gross and i should be posting something so gross on my blog.. HAHAHAHAHA. but when i shi-- i mean pass motion, its DAMN SHOIK. like all the things stuck up there is let out... woooooooooooh.....

HAHAH! the wierd thing is.. that my poop is either GREEN or WATERY.... er.. yeah.

back to the point.

cos last night, i could not pass motion, and i was having the worst stomachache of the century...

the whole night i could not shit... and like i couldnt sleep, cos the stomachache pain was there, and like, other stuffs la.

but finally, i got an hour of sleep. then i was awakened by my dad, at 7.

i told him about the contispation and i didnt go to school this morning!

then i was able to sleep well, until like 10?

so after that, i went to the doctor, and he prescribed me medication, and told me to look after myself, like, physically, and...... MENTALLY ---> (i was about to tell him to piss off)

cos like, i told him about the stress la, he was like..

" do you have suidical thoughts? "

WTF???!!!!

i reached home and i forced down some porrige. After which, i went to watch the Champion's League High-lights on ESPN.

around.... 3-4? like that.. i began to pass motion.... FINALLY!!!!!!!!!

DAMN SHOIK!!!!!!!! the medication worked!~~~

haha, but it was all watery and gross.

anyways, i left home for a 50 min jog + workout.

i think i can get gold for nafa this year! WOOHOO~~ although i seem fit, silver is my best so far.

so anyways, i reached home.. and washed up. and prepared to meet JEANette.

and i think she is blind...

we were suppoussed to meet at dhoby ghuat at 6?

but i ended up meeting her esle where

cos like, at serangoon MRT, i was waiting la, then i saw her. she was walking toward the end carriages of the train.

so in order to get her attention, i COUGHED REALLY LOUD, she turned and looked at me, and then she turned away... like...????

but i when up to say hi all. then all was fine, she got me a book! HAHA

so we talked, and we reached dhoby, where she was meeting her friend. once her friend arrived, i left, and on the way home, i went for dinner....

this time i didnt have to force myself... PERHAPS cos i SHITTED in the afternoon.

then i went for a haircut.. although i have very little hair, my side were kinda getting too long, and i hated it, so i when for a cut.

and i got the barber guy to shave of the "whatever i had of a moustashe" off.

i feel to clean and neat now!

apart from the big ass pimple on my face... CRAP.

so, after my CUT, i went to the nearby wet-market to get.... BANANAS!

cos banana's are suppoused to be magical fruits that help people to poop.

haha, so i got home and rest, and now im writing this.




REMEMBER GUYS! IF YOU STAY HAPPY, YOU CANT FEEL SAD!

Even when look gloomy,

your always looming,

swaying and staying,

stopping me from tossing and turning,

late at night.



Even when things start to look better,

you'll be there, like nothing else matters.

looking after me and chasing my debtors.

late at night



Even when i start regretting,

and i start fretting,

you'll be there to ensure that i wont be crying,

late at night


as you all already know, i've been through quite a bit, maybe not to you guys, but to me its been a trip to the borders of hell and i'm still being pulled back. cos its during the late nights, that all the memories flood back, be it good or bad, they both wrench my heart. i smile and frown within the same second, thats a first time for me.

i sound like one of those guys i would scorn when i read this sort of thing.

but i finally realised what they really went through,

in the past, i'd say, " Get a grip on yourself and move on"

i finally know how difficult it is.

i guess this time its different cos i've lost a group of friends i guess, not just queenie,

but also perhaps the whole women's rights group, not losing them literally,

but i'll never be able to talk to them like i used to ever again.

and i hate that, i remember the time i pissed Elsa off, it was madness.

now Elsa and I are more or less okay, but of course, not as okay as before.

(Elsa, if you can see this, You Know It Wasnt Me!)

but now, i face something else, for the group has given me chances, but i took far too long.

i just hope i havent gone beyond measure.

all these feelings, i can never explain them to anyone. can i realised that people can suddenly broke down.

cos today i did, and i know that it is uncontrollable.

i went to church a normal person.

i went to altar call a normal boy.

i left altar call crying like a kid, and this is real crying, something that i couldnt stop.

then i became back to normal.

i realised that all the things i always read about, it is all possible.

break downs, broken hearts, being unable to pick yourself up,

its all true.

perhaps someday, i can tell some people how i really felt, so that others might know what its like.

or maybe its Karma/Retribution.

Cos this is the first time i feel so shitty.

all my past relationships, its always the girls that are upset, and I'll be normal.

perhaps its a taste of my own medicine.

now i finally know what its like to become a zombie, a slave to the emotion's of one's heart.

but i hope that this cup can pass from me soon.

all the heart wrenching feelings.

perhaps one day, i can somehow look back, and say, i'm glad that i never committed the same mistake again.

perhaps, only perhaps.








i love....

hey guys, i've never talk about this before, i guess i just want someone to know.

its not trying to get back at anyone. but keeping so much kooped up really makes my heart ache, serious.

i havent been able to tell anyone how i felt so far, cos i keep saying i dont wanna talk about it. I cant seem to trust even the person i've known for damn long. cos even that person leaked things out, so this is my side, in writing

i had an awesome girlfriend, and her name was Queenie Szeto.

We got together pretty quickly and i fell deeply emotional with her.

her every smile would brighten up my day. her every laugh would take my breath away.

so yeah, a reached a milestone pretty quickly, i brought her out for dinner and a movie. and of course it was an awesome night, and thats for me to know, and none of you to ever find out.

but i guess my emotions got the better of me.

you see, the both of us were in a group, a same group of youths fighting for women's rights.

i was the director, and after me and queenie got together i started to push alot of work to my vice-director.

my Vice-Director was willing to help me, but of course everyone reaches his/her limit.

anyways, one morning, me and queenie met for breakfast, she was her usual bubbly self, but a little different, perhaps she was tired.

so we took our breakfast, and i sent her home,she had to study. i of course stayed at Marine Parade, indulging in Cafes and coffee.

but i got bored real early and i left marine parade for the meeting place, which was my vice-director's home. about an hour early?

so we talked and the group members arrived,

then queenie called my vice-director, she called to say that she was having a terrible headache,

by then, my heart sank, and she was making her way here. i didnt know what to do, i felt that if i showed concern, the group would know i was treating someone else differently. and they would suspect.

so when she arrived, i was really glad that she was alright.

but the whole day, i guess i craved for her attention.

toward the end of the meeting, we took a walk near a swimming pool, my vice-director and queenie had many whispering conversations, which i would later find out that was nothing of my concern.

but of course i grew increasing uptight.

i tried to disturb her by saying i'd throw her into the pool. and that caused nothing but trouble; a security guard came along and reprimanded us.

and the walk toward's queenie's place, i think i was someone else.

i became extremely intolerant at what ever queenie would say, even small comments.

and then i guess i snapped. i was being all fucking emo and shit, i was being a bastard.i forgot that she had a bad headache just now. i didnt even think about that.

she then went up home and i took the bus back.

when i reached home, we talked over the phone. and i was being so retarded.

i didnt know what i was doing, i was like, having a split-personality or something.

then toward the end, we talked about knowing we're actually not working out. and all that sort of stuff. i didnt wanna end it either.

but i had a bad nack, i dont really talk to my ex girlfriends, which i think she was afraid of losing a friend. so she held on too.

we talked about alot of stuff which i cant seem to remember.

but i know one night i cried, i cried cos i guess i was upset that i couldnt get her attention.

and that was what sparked the change, since then, she became really careful of what she said to me.

and then i guess our relationship declined our phone calls were never as exciting or as chatty, so on the 29th of march, a relationship that started on the 29th of February, ended. maybe if that night i didnt be all emo and shit, i would be okay.

i was really upset, but queenie held up a strong front, she seemed to be really happy after that, she spoke like as if we were never together. i mistook whatever she meant, and took it as that i was a really bad mistake and i noticed it.

so, a few days after we broke up,keith suddenly ignored me. but i was really missing her, i needed her to tell me something, anything. but my bad nack was in place, the one that i dont really talk to my ex's. i could remember how she said "YO!" to me over the phone, but i spoke very monotonously, i was being a fool. now that i look back at it, i regret what i did, cos if i didnt do that, we'd still be okay.

so one night i really really missed her, i called up someone

but that someone told me something really painful, she said that queenie told a group that she felt that i was the worst mistake of her life, and that she had actually wanted to end it earlier but did not know why she held on. when her friends probed her about kissing me, she would run away shouting, shut up shut up.

imagine how hurt i was, i minute i was missing her, the other minute i was cursing her, i was at a loss, cos i was still loving her.

i guess i plotted a revenge sort of thing, i thought that ignoring her would be a good thing, cos the way keith ignored me, it really just added on to the hurt that was already on me. i wanted queenie to know that i felt hurt.

so on the next meeting, i was ignoring her, and i felt really bad about it,

so i called her to tell her i'm sorry that. but i diverted and turned my attention as to why she said all those things, i kept pushing and pushing and pushing, to a point where she fainted. it was there that i finally realised what i was doing. but it was too late, what has been done is done.

i apologised again and told her that i still loved her, and i told her to get a good rest and i'm sorry.

the next morning, i woke up at 7, on a sunday. i took a walk around my neighbourhood and reflected hard on my actions. i realised where i went wrong.

then in the afternoon, my vice-director called me, she said that i was time i stopped harassing queenie, because she suffered enough, at first i was wilful, like a child unwilling to admit his mistake,

but she gave me an ultimatum. sort out your personal life and work or risk losing a place in the team. and that was where i knew it. i knew that i FUCKED UP EVERYTHING.

so that night, i told my vice-director to tell queenie that i'm really sorry and i wont bring up the past again. queenie even asked me whether i'm okay.

i was dead ashamed of myself, having already lost all respect for myself, queenie still cared for me, i could bring myself to reply her.

so i think two days passed, and i got wind that queenie and my vice-director thought of kicking me off the group, i was dammned lost at that time. so i stepped down. nobody knew what i really went through.

i regret that decision right now, but what has been done is done. i cant change that.

but of course i cannot express how i truly feel in words. loving someone, losing someone, stepping down from a group,

all of this happened because i was an idiot on that few incidents leading up to the time i cried and the crying incident as well,

if i used my brains harder, maybe all of this wouldnt have happened, but there are always outside factors, even my story here is biased, i this is the way i guess i'm letting it all flow out,

i'm not like trying to get back at anyone, but i've had my story couped up in me for so long, and i dont dare to tell anyone verbally, cowardice. perhaps this is the only way. and i've yet to explain all this to queenie. i should have done that from the start.

and the cause of my own pain and suffering is all my fault.

and so, this is my side. i really hope someday, everything will become better.

this might be a last post for a long long time. 10th april 2008.

GUSTAV MAHLER.


anyways, this whole week has been hectic, training everyday since monday. but its like, quite shoik ah...

haha.

my right calf hurts. ouch.... man, i wouldnt have had this problem if i didnt play soccer during recess(where i fell on my right leg), training kinda worsened the pain.

ever had your thighs burn?

yesterday there was core muscles, i had to like, sit ninety degrees against a wall, as in... my thighs are perpendicular to the wall! for one minute la. obviously it was unbearable... the last time i did that was in sec 2. while i was still in Karate.

so undeniably, today, whenever i ran, my thighs ached, but its all in the process of another pair of even solid-er thighs. heh

so, after training, me and imran took the mrt to Toa Payoh, as we do everyday after training. but today, it was different.. i went to the BEST SANDWICH SHOP IN THE WORLD....... SUBWAY.

after training, i was damn hungry all.. so like, i asked for double meat... which meant 4 pieces of delicious roasted beef with a hint of pepper and the sweetness of honey..... but i was like.

"hey man, can you like... make it really double meat...?"

you know what he did? he gave me 7 pieces la.

i was like.....

"YES AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH".

he then quickly said...

Shhhhhh..... later the lady boss notice.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

so anyways, went home a happy boy...

as they say.....

the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

guess thats true! in my case!




enough of the sandwich artists.


today in school, was damn crap la.

Aaron Charles Mossadeg.

he a nice guy, but he gets carried away sometimes.

did you know? he likes to insult me? for like, no apparent reason?

so, for the whole of last year, he picked on my religion, protestantism.

well, i didnt say anything la.

but today was damnned pissing off.

in was being reprimanded and he just all of a sudden say.

" we admit our mistakes, not like a race of chin hong."

so obviously i flared up.

but you guys dont know what went on. that day in class, we was like. can you just shut up?

i wasnt even talking to him la. so what if he found it irritating.

when others talk, he doesnt say anyhting about them. obviously picking on me.

while i was playing soccer during recess.

he was like, protestant, go suck my balls.

WHAT THE FUCK?

recently, i'm in quite a down mood, so yeah.

i guess he got me at a wrong time.

i flared up and almost beat him up in Social Studies class.

of course i felt bad after that.. but i feel that i didnt do anything wrong, so i didnt apologise.

i hope someone can quickly point me in the right direction.
yep.



afterall, i knew him since Primary 5.

no point losing a friend. if he still considers me as one.


'