Of course, by all means.

take it all away.

don't look back.

the more we turn, the more we become unsure.

interestingly, the more we look into the future,

we're staring at the unsure.

blinking at its laughter.

killing off the fun,

i check my face, i check my sides,

i find, that i'm still alive.

i push for the glory,

i push it through,

i just hope one day, you'll see it in full.

move over, the rope tightens and strangles me even more,

giving me even less space to breathe,

each time your memory comes into my head.

i cringe in fear,

the same fear and grappled with me in yester years

as i pick myself up,

i tell myself to be strong, to hold on

to stand my ground.

to be somebody.

but yet, i know, whoever i am,

you'll never realise,

you'll never see beyond what is apparent.

you love taking things for granted,

but perhaps, the problem lies with me

and all my insecurities.

all my fears,

all my sorrow,

i feel so empty,

and yet, i know i'll never be full.

all i ask, is for you,

for you to notice me more than what i am.

to just reciprocate the same way i want you to.

but alas, you'll never see any of this.

you'll live your live, the same way you have for years,

doing what you want.

living by your rules.

you do things that you think will be good,

for me.

but i hope one day,

without me asking,

you do want i want you to do.

for yourself.

call me selfish,

call me a fool.

but in any case.

i know that its just you.

My old friend, you've paid me yet another visit.

how long has it been? two years? almost.

and now, your little heart ripping tactic is coming back to haunt me.

it must be fun to see me like this,

distraut, confused and tired.

in fact, you were the cause of my nightmares.

behold, you come like a rat smelling cheese.

as soon as another angel comes to recieve me,

you'll be around the corner, to besiege me.

and now, one beautiful angel has once again descended.

and i SMELL your presence, your wretched stench fills the air all around.

your presence makes me fearful, of my past.

the fear does not consume me.

it merely poses an obstacle to my being.

another hurdle,

another chain,

that prevents me from being,

who i really am.

but of course, not that you will care.

you revel in my dispair

you laugh at my tears,

you spit in my triumphs

and kill off all joy.


OH, where would i be without you, committing the same mistakes.

in a very vague sense, i should be thanking you,

for protecting me all these years.

but please, stay away from me.


now.

been ages since i wrote a single word on this text board.

i feel that i do really have a knack for getting into trouble.

funny isn't it? how the things you want never to happen somehow occurs.

i always feel right at home, comfortable, when i write.

no deadlines to meet,
no expectations to rise to,
no rebuttals.

Writing, a very death-like chore, keeps me alive.

i thrive upon the singular function that writing embodies.

i can say whatever i want, and the gossips cannot hear
i can express myself freely, from drugs to beer.
i can be the master of my universe,
but yet, my universe is my master.


it doesn't matter to me who reads this, because at the end of the day, gossips will have a way.

from putting people down,
to hanging themselves up.

Let me express my views on gossipers.

In today's world, it is rather difficult NOT to be a gossip. The business of others always has a place on the tongues of those who simply cannot mind their own. In my own experience, gossips always find out what they want. They simply cannot be kept in the dark. They hunger to know about the business of others, thrive upon the faults.

I have to admit though, i enjoy my fair share of gossip. However, there are those whose mouths open and close with the names of their victims, those are the gossips who have to be reminded, that taming a tiger is easier than taming a tongue.

They usually have little friends, but a group of followers, who they themselves love to listen to gossip. To them, everything is a popularity contest. They do not believe in the systems that mankind has put in place. Enough about them.

To ignore these people, that is the remedy.

More importantly, i believe, is to savour the chances that come by. Be tolerant of the people around you, more importantly, be tolerable.

Chances that are missed are hardly ever going to come back.

the loss of it will sting your heart, as it has already stung before.

be a listener, not the listened to. Understand what people are going through, speak less.

Don't let what past perceptions of you hinder you.

change, become the very difference you want to see happening in the lives around you.

There will always be another chance, but it will not be the same one as before.

don't let it slip pass,

don't let it fly by,

don't leave it behind.

if everyone took their chances, then we can all begin to be certain.

Remembering the past year, i cannot recall the turning points anymore,
I cannot remember the wrongs, the triumphs, the falls, the sorrow, the redemptions, the pain.
Each day, i live as a lifeless being, stepping on the ground with total deceit.
I am lying to myself,
I am a pathetic excuse for what you'd call a life.

Taking a transended view, i see the issue.
it is not that i am living,
but i am being lived.

i have no control over what i wish to do
those around me, as my pilot crew.
when i need help, i turn to who?

i have but no one, but only a few,
who have stood by me, i know who
and one of them stands out, like the morning dew.

but as everyone forgets the morning dew,
i remain, oblivious to you.

i know you love me,
i know you exist,
i know you are by by me
i know you saved the crisis

but yet,
i feel,
i have lost your touch,
your oh so wonderful delirious tug.

But, looking back at that all that i have done,
i now see, it is nothing but dust.

Amid the ash, that clouds the sky,
i can see you, but you seem so high.

i reach for you, but my pilot crew speaks
"stay on the ground,on own your feet"
don't look up,
they cry, in obvious deceit.


i feel so much like Midas, who longs for human touch,
all i ask for, is your holy crux.

the same one that found me, in the winter of 06'
i have lost it, three years ahead,
i have found beauty, in destruction instead.

I know much, but i do not feel,
I have lost, the ability to heal
the magical wonders that you reveal,
I see everything, but i cannot see you.

as the days of autumn approaches mid,
far sight,i speak, "the winter, that follows it."

this time i ask, for a blessed autumn
and in return, i will find, the same winter

of which you have induced.

in my mind and in my soul.

it is by faith that i carry on,
it is the pursuit of you that i keep moving on
it is the sight of you, that keeps me up
it is the scent of you, that brings me around
it is the fabric of you, that clothes me
it is the mercy of you, that holds me
it is the power of you, that heals me
it is the glory of you, that survives me.

i am you, i am your being,
you are me, you are in me.

i long for your return into my life,
i seek your touch as my divine guide.

as i look to the sky,
i see the eagle,
in full flight,
but with a serpent under its fly.

i see the empowerment of the eagle,
over the snake,
and i all i need now,
is to see thy face.

In Jesus's name i pray.

(amen)

i'm up at 4.43 am. Staring at where i have started before.

Reflection has brought my life back on track. It seems that most things pass pretty easily and that works count for nothing, unless they have an impact.

I really miss the holidays, nothing just the June one, but the Post O level holidays as well. The carefree lifestyle was much more desirable, and the jobs that came with it is so much easier than A levels.

But at this point of time, after a long conversation with Dorra, Iwanna touch on a few issues.

Firstly, the idea of denial.

Denial is a very tough aspect of the Human Condition to put a finger on. It can be seen as an escape route, or an enclosure. Both of these definitions are similar. They provide an alternative to reality. Many a times, almost everyone, including myself, employs some form of denial. Some call it "the silver lining" or "the optimisitic view". I believe that the best form of interpretation of denial is the type employed by lovers; the idea that things are never what they seem to be.

Of course, in many instances, things are never what they seem to be. Which then raises a problem. WHY ARE THINGS EVER WHAT THEY SEEM TO BE? This probably can be attributed to the ego of each person, that causes the true feelings of each individual not to be expressed fully. This in turn, causes the perception of the situation to be either blurred or full of holes. This flawed perception is then taken as the platform by lovers to work with, resulting in flawed results. HOWEVER, after the initial stage of flawed results, the true feelings of each individual then surfaces and things become better, at the very essential core.

Therefore, it is important be be clear about assumptions and arguments from the start. So that each perception can be as clear as it can be.

Back to denial, denial is employed by a whole range of people, everyone employs denial once in a while. However, upon close reflection, denial disintegrates, and the core essence of each person is revealed, where every thing is simple and satisfiable. Questions like, ":why am i doing this?","what will i get out of it?","is the result what i want?" helps to reveal the core essence of each person.




My own life experience has allowed me to see that actually, i have been living in Denial, i fully know what i am doing is not what i want, and the results obviously flawed. Yet, i indulge in everything of that sort.


I'm tired. Continue next time.

ah, it seems that i have taken too long a break from the cyber world, living away from the computer, hanging on to my life.

in a group, inevitably, there are those who continually do the exact opposite, or try to advise those they think are wrong, not knowing that they themselves are flawed.

oh, forgive and forget


anyways, there are other stuffs that bug me, for example, a little snug bee that won't leave me, buzzing and whizzing all over the place, making sure i don't do what's out of place.

a clear liquid, its a see-through. Fire-water that's what its called.
as much as i detest fire, but i can't seem to hate the water.
the feeling that i get when i take it, akin to seeing a whirlwind, straight lines, seem out of place, the out of this world, is the norm. the norm has long been forgotten.



ahh, what state have i fallen into, perhaps society has had too much of an influence over me.

a hermit, thats what i think i should be.