Even when look gloomy,

your always looming,

swaying and staying,

stopping me from tossing and turning,

late at night.



Even when things start to look better,

you'll be there, like nothing else matters.

looking after me and chasing my debtors.

late at night



Even when i start regretting,

and i start fretting,

you'll be there to ensure that i wont be crying,

late at night


as you all already know, i've been through quite a bit, maybe not to you guys, but to me its been a trip to the borders of hell and i'm still being pulled back. cos its during the late nights, that all the memories flood back, be it good or bad, they both wrench my heart. i smile and frown within the same second, thats a first time for me.

i sound like one of those guys i would scorn when i read this sort of thing.

but i finally realised what they really went through,

in the past, i'd say, " Get a grip on yourself and move on"

i finally know how difficult it is.

i guess this time its different cos i've lost a group of friends i guess, not just queenie,

but also perhaps the whole women's rights group, not losing them literally,

but i'll never be able to talk to them like i used to ever again.

and i hate that, i remember the time i pissed Elsa off, it was madness.

now Elsa and I are more or less okay, but of course, not as okay as before.

(Elsa, if you can see this, You Know It Wasnt Me!)

but now, i face something else, for the group has given me chances, but i took far too long.

i just hope i havent gone beyond measure.

all these feelings, i can never explain them to anyone. can i realised that people can suddenly broke down.

cos today i did, and i know that it is uncontrollable.

i went to church a normal person.

i went to altar call a normal boy.

i left altar call crying like a kid, and this is real crying, something that i couldnt stop.

then i became back to normal.

i realised that all the things i always read about, it is all possible.

break downs, broken hearts, being unable to pick yourself up,

its all true.

perhaps someday, i can tell some people how i really felt, so that others might know what its like.

or maybe its Karma/Retribution.

Cos this is the first time i feel so shitty.

all my past relationships, its always the girls that are upset, and I'll be normal.

perhaps its a taste of my own medicine.

now i finally know what its like to become a zombie, a slave to the emotion's of one's heart.

but i hope that this cup can pass from me soon.

all the heart wrenching feelings.

perhaps one day, i can somehow look back, and say, i'm glad that i never committed the same mistake again.

perhaps, only perhaps.








i love....