hey guys, i've never talk about this before, i guess i just want someone to know.

its not trying to get back at anyone. but keeping so much kooped up really makes my heart ache, serious.

i havent been able to tell anyone how i felt so far, cos i keep saying i dont wanna talk about it. I cant seem to trust even the person i've known for damn long. cos even that person leaked things out, so this is my side, in writing

i had an awesome girlfriend, and her name was Queenie Szeto.

We got together pretty quickly and i fell deeply emotional with her.

her every smile would brighten up my day. her every laugh would take my breath away.

so yeah, a reached a milestone pretty quickly, i brought her out for dinner and a movie. and of course it was an awesome night, and thats for me to know, and none of you to ever find out.

but i guess my emotions got the better of me.

you see, the both of us were in a group, a same group of youths fighting for women's rights.

i was the director, and after me and queenie got together i started to push alot of work to my vice-director.

my Vice-Director was willing to help me, but of course everyone reaches his/her limit.

anyways, one morning, me and queenie met for breakfast, she was her usual bubbly self, but a little different, perhaps she was tired.

so we took our breakfast, and i sent her home,she had to study. i of course stayed at Marine Parade, indulging in Cafes and coffee.

but i got bored real early and i left marine parade for the meeting place, which was my vice-director's home. about an hour early?

so we talked and the group members arrived,

then queenie called my vice-director, she called to say that she was having a terrible headache,

by then, my heart sank, and she was making her way here. i didnt know what to do, i felt that if i showed concern, the group would know i was treating someone else differently. and they would suspect.

so when she arrived, i was really glad that she was alright.

but the whole day, i guess i craved for her attention.

toward the end of the meeting, we took a walk near a swimming pool, my vice-director and queenie had many whispering conversations, which i would later find out that was nothing of my concern.

but of course i grew increasing uptight.

i tried to disturb her by saying i'd throw her into the pool. and that caused nothing but trouble; a security guard came along and reprimanded us.

and the walk toward's queenie's place, i think i was someone else.

i became extremely intolerant at what ever queenie would say, even small comments.

and then i guess i snapped. i was being all fucking emo and shit, i was being a bastard.i forgot that she had a bad headache just now. i didnt even think about that.

she then went up home and i took the bus back.

when i reached home, we talked over the phone. and i was being so retarded.

i didnt know what i was doing, i was like, having a split-personality or something.

then toward the end, we talked about knowing we're actually not working out. and all that sort of stuff. i didnt wanna end it either.

but i had a bad nack, i dont really talk to my ex girlfriends, which i think she was afraid of losing a friend. so she held on too.

we talked about alot of stuff which i cant seem to remember.

but i know one night i cried, i cried cos i guess i was upset that i couldnt get her attention.

and that was what sparked the change, since then, she became really careful of what she said to me.

and then i guess our relationship declined our phone calls were never as exciting or as chatty, so on the 29th of march, a relationship that started on the 29th of February, ended. maybe if that night i didnt be all emo and shit, i would be okay.

i was really upset, but queenie held up a strong front, she seemed to be really happy after that, she spoke like as if we were never together. i mistook whatever she meant, and took it as that i was a really bad mistake and i noticed it.

so, a few days after we broke up,keith suddenly ignored me. but i was really missing her, i needed her to tell me something, anything. but my bad nack was in place, the one that i dont really talk to my ex's. i could remember how she said "YO!" to me over the phone, but i spoke very monotonously, i was being a fool. now that i look back at it, i regret what i did, cos if i didnt do that, we'd still be okay.

so one night i really really missed her, i called up someone

but that someone told me something really painful, she said that queenie told a group that she felt that i was the worst mistake of her life, and that she had actually wanted to end it earlier but did not know why she held on. when her friends probed her about kissing me, she would run away shouting, shut up shut up.

imagine how hurt i was, i minute i was missing her, the other minute i was cursing her, i was at a loss, cos i was still loving her.

i guess i plotted a revenge sort of thing, i thought that ignoring her would be a good thing, cos the way keith ignored me, it really just added on to the hurt that was already on me. i wanted queenie to know that i felt hurt.

so on the next meeting, i was ignoring her, and i felt really bad about it,

so i called her to tell her i'm sorry that. but i diverted and turned my attention as to why she said all those things, i kept pushing and pushing and pushing, to a point where she fainted. it was there that i finally realised what i was doing. but it was too late, what has been done is done.

i apologised again and told her that i still loved her, and i told her to get a good rest and i'm sorry.

the next morning, i woke up at 7, on a sunday. i took a walk around my neighbourhood and reflected hard on my actions. i realised where i went wrong.

then in the afternoon, my vice-director called me, she said that i was time i stopped harassing queenie, because she suffered enough, at first i was wilful, like a child unwilling to admit his mistake,

but she gave me an ultimatum. sort out your personal life and work or risk losing a place in the team. and that was where i knew it. i knew that i FUCKED UP EVERYTHING.

so that night, i told my vice-director to tell queenie that i'm really sorry and i wont bring up the past again. queenie even asked me whether i'm okay.

i was dead ashamed of myself, having already lost all respect for myself, queenie still cared for me, i could bring myself to reply her.

so i think two days passed, and i got wind that queenie and my vice-director thought of kicking me off the group, i was dammned lost at that time. so i stepped down. nobody knew what i really went through.

i regret that decision right now, but what has been done is done. i cant change that.

but of course i cannot express how i truly feel in words. loving someone, losing someone, stepping down from a group,

all of this happened because i was an idiot on that few incidents leading up to the time i cried and the crying incident as well,

if i used my brains harder, maybe all of this wouldnt have happened, but there are always outside factors, even my story here is biased, i this is the way i guess i'm letting it all flow out,

i'm not like trying to get back at anyone, but i've had my story couped up in me for so long, and i dont dare to tell anyone verbally, cowardice. perhaps this is the only way. and i've yet to explain all this to queenie. i should have done that from the start.

and the cause of my own pain and suffering is all my fault.

and so, this is my side. i really hope someday, everything will become better.

this might be a last post for a long long time. 10th april 2008.